My Life of Violence
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culture and human rights series Fair Housing Act of 1968This post is by Mindy Stokes and is a part of the Culture and Human Rights series (Part II).
When I was three years old, my father tried to kill my mother in front of me. The response from the judge: “I’m tired of you women coming around here asking for restraining orders against your husbands. Your request is denied.” My mother courageously divorced him, but never received one cent of child support.
When I was eight, my great-uncle molested me. My grandparent’s response: Don’t tell your father, he might kill your uncle and end up back in prison. The result: I was silenced.
When I was 12, my step-dad proclaimed fishing a male-only sport. I was left home.
When I was in high school, my history teacher claimed the first time women had the right to vote, the worst president in history came to power. Women’s fault he announced.
Photo courtesy of Mindy Stokes
When I was 16, my mother left my step-dad. He never gave us financial support. We quickly moved into poverty.
When I was a teenager, my mom’s new boyfriend beat her on a regular basis. This occurred repeatedly for three years.
When I was 19, my boyfriend terrorized me daily. His abuse included battering, emotional and verbal assaults.
When I was 20, I became a drug addict. My new boyfriend made me do humiliating acts for drugs.
When I was 22, a different boyfriend abused me physically, verbally, emotionally. He humiliated me in public often. This lasted for four years.
When I was 24, my mom married her third husband. He battered her for the duration of their marriage; 14 years.
When I was 28, my next boyfriend lied to me. He forged his name on my checks then stole my mail so that I didn’t get notices from the bank concerning my errant account. The bank filed a police report. His family moved him to another city and hid him from the law. I never received compensation for my losses.
When I was 30, I came out as a lesbian.
When I was 30, my landlord stalked and harassed me. He said it was due to my sexuality. When I went to the police, they suggested I move and suffer any financial losses. I hired a lawyer, but sexual orientation is not covered under the Fair Housing Act of 1968. I didn’t have any legal recourse. I moved and lost my last month’s rent and security deposit.
When I was 31, I was sexually-harassed on the job by a gang of four men. They informed me that my lesbianism could be “fixed” by having sex with them.
When I was 34, my partner of four years and I had a Commitment Ceremony because same-sex marriages were illegal in the state of Florida.
When I was 34, I worked for a technology company. I was harassed by my co-workers who claimed they had higher morals than I because of their Christianity.
When I was 38, I had a baby.
When I was 39, our family of three moved from Florida to Oregon because gay second-parent adoption was not allowed under any circumstances. My partner and our daughter didn’t have legal rights to one another. If something were to happen to me, anyone could contest my partner’s custody.
If I had the right to marry my long-time partner, our daughter would be protected under the laws of the land. We as a family would have more money in our pockets. Her mother and I would have the ability to send her to more dance, piano, and kung-fu lessons. We’d be able to take grander vacations. We’d eat only organic foods.
If we were married, we’d pay less in health insurance, less for car and home insurance. If we were married, our family would be more readily represented in history books and in my child’s school library.
The United States patriarchal culture privileges men over women and heterosexuals over homosexuals creating a tapestry of oppression sometimes hard to untangle. Our nation was built on the philosophy that men inherited the Earth and have dominion over land, sea, animals and ultimately women. This view marginalizes those aspects deemed female–and manifests in violence, in all its forms, against women and girls.
Due to the second wave of the women’s movement, we’ve witnessed women moving into public positions. This is good, but not sufficient. Our culture of domination/subordination needs to be addressed, stripped, deconstructed. We must build a new concept of society, where difference is valued. Where equity flourishes. Where women, lesbians, poor people and people of color have a seat at the table. And not only a couple of seats meant to pacify those working for change, but a fair number of seats that represents society.
It is only when we view culture as inclusive; giving inherent value to all people regardless of race, class, sexual orientation, and gender will we have a just society. And ultimately, personal and institutional violence will no longer flourish.
Mindy Stokes is a mother, feminist, activist, lesbian and educator. She teaches Women’s Studies and Human Development at a community college in the Pacific Northwest. Mindy lives with her life partner of 13 years and their precocious five-year-old daughter. In 2011, she published her memoir, Momma Baby Mama: Story of a Knocked-Up Lesbian. It chronicles the struggles she and her family face due to homophobia and sexism. A number of Mindy’s blogs concerning lesbian and feminist parenting have been published. You can find her work at www.mindystokes.com.
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10:48 am
Wow. I am truly sorry you had to go through all this – and I admire you for having the courage to tell your story to the world. Thank you for sharing.
11:49 am
I am honored that you read my piece.
12:39 pm
You are an amazingly honest and strong woman, I am proud to call you our friend. Well written and worth sharing with the world. J
12:50 pm
Mindy: WOW! What a strong and beautiful piece. What a strong and beautiful woman! I too am honored to be your friend.
12:59 pm
Your straightforward timeline was so powerful in its’ simplicity. Moving past difficulties with courage and action is a wonderful way to live. Thanks for sharing the way you live with all of us!
11:13 am
I’m still waiting to read your story.
1:15 pm
This is powerfully real and it is inspiring that you have such a strong voice. Thanks for your courage to share this.
2:19 pm
Wow, a tough piece. But well worth it. Thank you for sharing your story, I will definitely be following your work from now on!
11:14 am
Thank you!
2:43 pm
Thanks for being the powerful voice that you are. I love you and can’t wait to marry you.
Katie
3:22 pm
Bravo!!! You are brave and an important voice for all communities! I’m am honored you are such a warrior!
6:17 pm
Mindy,
Your courage continues and your voice matters. You inspire me.
6:56 pm
I’d like for ALL of my students to read this piece – female and male! You have always been an inspiration to me; that hasn’t changed, despite being on opposite sides of the country.
7:07 pm
What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with everyone. I have become my own person because of you and I have learned so much from you Mindy, I miss you so very much.
11:14 am
You are amazing Ms. Cindy. I miss you too!
9:32 pm
Thank you sharing your courageous story. Keep speaking your truth and inspiring others to do the same.
7:49 am
A story that mirrors my own on so many levels. Thank you.
11:15 am
Sexism and violence creeps into many spaces. Doesn’t it?
7:05 pm
You have chosen to reflect upon your situation the old-fashioned way.The tradition of feminism and social politics has ever been based and constructed and re-constructed from a position and perspective of the supplicant.After all these years,female feminists appear to have been unsuccesful in their endeavour to make society perfect,or even better,according to their ideals.Feminism as pursued by women is,apparently,not able to effect the changes that are desired.Male feminists,insofar as they have a different view,seem unable to get that view to be considered by traditional feminists.Following the recipe given by political feminism/socialism to women who want to get themselves out of a sticky situation and onto the path of (self)empowerment makes you feel better,function better and improves your personal socio-economic situation,yet the stated aim of making a better society does not appear to find it mark,show the desired result(if we are to believe what we hear,read and see).People dedicated to make this world a better place should long have been asking themselves what,possibly,well-meaning and well-motivated people are doing wrong here.Yet strident/political feminists and politically professing socialists are continuing in the well-trodden path of tradition,unlike the people in power who would have it within their power to make changes for the better,or so feminist/socialist politics would have it.The world/society can be divided into two kinds of people for the sake of this comment.On the one hand by far the majority of people react to the situation they find in life according to the programming they have been given by their parents,childhood,upbringing,schooling and the total socio-cultural and econo-political environment which makes them what they are and how they react to the situation they find themselves in for the rest of their lives.Whatever change they make in their lives,it is according to a program they have been offered by the world/people around them.This stops them understanding what makes people and society tick.This stops them finding out what they might do to make society a better place for people who desire peaceful co-existence.To understand this you have to go beyond culture,because culture stops people getting wiser.This brings us to the other kind of person,the other hand.Feminism,socialism and environmentalism,all connected,have been neutered by the culture these movements sought to change.When people start fighting the system,the very first thing they are downloaded with is programming to make them go around in circles and let themselves be bamboozled.Before they realise what is happening the discourse has been hijacked by people who are in it for personal gain.They don’t want to get wiser,they don’t want other people to get wiser.They simply want revenge/a better life for themselves and to help maintain the Status Quo upon which they depend for their personal aims and the ability to function socially,economically and politically.Everyone who turns from this self-perpetuating system of exploitation and starts to make people understand is cut off.Protesting and all sorts of activism makes you feel better,it does not change the system.This is a plainly observable and constantly ignored fact.To ignore that is to make a choice,which people have a perfect right to do.If you want to make a difference,however,you have to find out how it works.-Stop pleading,complaining(once you’ve told your story a dozen times,staying where you are by thinking from the position you are in.Start thinking what position you want yourself and society to be in and work out how to get there.Culture is the problem(or what goes for culture).So you can join that minority who get to understand how it works while they are at it changing society.
10:10 am
Your voice speaks clearly, speaks from your experience and speaks to those “tucked away” places that exist in each of our deep souls. I am personally blessed by your presence in my life, dear friend, privileged to look you in the eye, share smiles and meals with your family, and inspired by your activism. It is good to share the world with you.
2:23 pm
Cheers!
5:07 pm
I finally got a chance to read this. Very good. I hate to know of it’s truth. I knew about some of it but not all.
It made me cry.
I love you.